Conspiring souls

It takes a while to look into self and delve deeper. Cut through so much of noise to reach a core that knows all and enough. To be able to listen to the spicy chats, loose gossips and the unending desires of a soul. Do souls also have heart ? Can it also feel or it just travels from one body to another hopping and skipping and sometimes just resting. Are the purest unadulterated part of you carrying all the knowledge and who are you? Are you just here to feel and enjoy when and as long as you have your soul in you. So is it you or the soul in you that feels every emotion and carries forward all pains, smiles, laughter, memories for ages and ages.

Soulfully yours

Life's like this

Typing is an art
You look down to not misspell
You look up and leave a “L”
You look down and miss the crux
Of what u are writing and the flux
You look up and feel expert
Till u miss something and feel the hurt
Life’s no different, up or down
Sit or stand, smile or frown
Means you can’t read it being too far
If you are too near, you miss the radar
Just right , win a fight
Lose a battle, fly a kite
All the games, big and small
Some gigantic, some leave you appall
Times when you were a couch potato
Wondering why the ado?
And sometimes a feminist to the core
Let anything come, cats and dogs pour
What spirit, resilience and patience
Few times remember being a menace
A peril to all at large
But mostly ready to do my march
And make sure to tilt the arch
So that I can enjoy both screen and keyboard
Eventually unlock the code
The best is that it is un-crackable
So we can remain in life’s fable
That’s the art
Till it again starts

Philosophically yours

Conversation with me

When I thought I know it all
Am ready for almost any emergency call
The rush. The brush. The Crush
The blow that could have slowed
Over all the feelings of fear and pain
Love being not on the list of gain
I just met him who I had met many times
And knew it was him and I don’t know why
And I really don’t know why
But impromptu I call him my

I don’t really have logic
Or a reason or basis to flick
No nothing, sheer pure gut
Sixth sense or whatever you want to call
To someone it may be ridiculous
Just not done or the biggest mistake
Or unadulterated shift of mind
What they don’t see is .No.
Not the eyes .Not the heart
Its not in the mind too
Neither the words nor actions
Tut tut they are looking at the wrong places

Its so damn simple, yet difficult to decipher
To look and read your own diaphanous soul
That has traveled across centuries and worlds
Has a pool enough to submerge the planet
If you can even read a bit and touch its core
It will divulge snippets and scraps and oddments
that can code the call
Then when I know it all
Why do I restrict or stall
Or feel the impact
And trust the only fact
And the reason I know
I am attached, my soul is free
I get scared to loose
My soul - I hear you laugh and deride and scoff
It replies back - How can you separate one
And I repeat - How can I separate one

Unreasonably yours'

Scared and sure

Am scared to fall in love
Am wary to walk away
Wasn’t unsure about anything
So damn sure of that

Seems like many ages back
I try to hide all that is ugly
The worst is that I don’t know what is
I loved all that was as it was

Then I met you
Questioned your intentions too
Every day in my mind
Looking for that one loophole
That can give me the valuable clue
Or hint me that it’s not meant to be
That it was not the dream it looks
I have looked everywhere
Well, almost everywhere
To find a reason or a logic
To search the truth - the ugly truth

And I still don’t know why I look for you
When you are not there
And no it’s not a crush we have
Its not just about the butterflies

It’s those soul stirring conversations
That you would like to call
It’s the taste of those tears
That otherwise I would have just wiped
It is the confidence that I can be what I want
With you to give me the right push
It is the nervous energy that I want to retain
To impress you everyday and bore you the most
And be able to turn the old yellow book
After dusting it not a bit
To a shiny new page
Till the very end

Irks me

It’s sometimes so difficult to talk to her. Just having a normal conversation where you can have a very different view to what she thinks. Have a general chit chat where you can share your feelings with your own flesh and blood (not literally). Have a general discussion of the many fears or general musings or certain misgivings without being judged by your own similar DNA code. Somewhere and maybe sometime back - this birth or some other, I may have breached her trust. I don’t quiet remember it when or how but it torments me day and night. What have I done- the unthinkable to receive the cold shoulder and a colder heart? What adds to my state is that Why doesn’t she ever makes any effort. I know people will call me crazy, but a very Saggi trait (in general) with Virgos to treat them like no one has or can. In my mind, I have walked often back in time to understand what had/has gone wrong and if from my side, then how to be apologetic. Then again, you can do this entire if you atleast know .Why and Why only me. She has every right to say, behave, do anything but the minute you do that, she will completely ignore you.
I sometimes feel that its better to stay quiet but literally sometimes things are pushed beyond the normal limits of reasoning that I end up saying or yelling which I deeply regret later. The worst is the misunderstandings she has for me and my intentions and the fact that I can never prove that I am not like that please. I don’t even bother about what others have to say when my own….I also know if she ever sees this blog, she will think I was trying to play the victim…Am compressed with emotions and I still don’t know how to deal with everything.

Yours

Sorting out the mess

Nasty thoughts can take you places. I have seen many people get away with crimes worth unimaginable barbaric punishments. How they manage these, I can only wonder. Infact there have been times, I had wanted to just creep into their minds and soul - just to feel and know their emotions. How easy/ difficult to cut all emotions and completely believe in something so inhuman with so much of passion. Just what must they be thinking or not thinking to go ahead and hurt/lie/…..??? No answers. Maybe because I just have not been able to hurt someone deliberately. But wait a minute, am I saying I have never caused anyone pain at all. Come to think of it, I have. Maybe not deliberately but knowingly yes. Deliberately and knowingly are different I guess. Knowing means being aware that this will lead to pain/hurt but there is no way out. Deliberately is more like let me use this way as I know it will hurt. Good that I write my thoughts down. They sometimes help me differentiate and know my own thoughts better.
I am not always nice. And when I am not, have wished that I could have made retribution reprisal revenge as my keywords for selective few. But alas, my dictionary has never been able to include them. I feel ---- why stoop down to the same level that you hate so much.
I had read somewhere - “Don’t hate something so much lest you become one”. And that happens ….believe me. There was a phase in my life, when I was so very angry on slightest of the unfair things. I would react to anything wrong. Wanted change . But with all so good intentions, was being sucked daily into the giant whirlpool of fury. I was beginning to be a persona I had so despised all my life. Furiously angry. And one day, something happened. Rather mishappened . That mishap could have actually resulted into devastation both personal and human. One realization, I am so happy about that it occurred to me and I stopped being so un-me. So I don’t know whether I am very patient or not because yes, I can’t take rubbish and be a part of it but I definitely don’t intend to lose myself to insanity as long as I can ( even if it runs in the blood).
But all wisdom granted, can’t take away the fact that as life is an irony and who but the wise are the emotional fools. The notions of life and the drudgery of its rhythm for people like us, lead us onto traps of illusions - love, romance, perfection, idealism, search and so much more that might take many pages. Pages worthless of pixels I will devote to it. .Yes, “wise men/women” (sarcasm implied) are nothing but sitting ducks to be squashed to be a turkey. In life we meet people who are jokers, then there are the one who are foolish, very few gamers who know how to fool all and then people who are us - not fools but in a fool’s paradise. How they manage to get there is a mystery. Believe me, because such set had most of the things figured out, were the sorted ones and no nothing could have possibly gone wrong , given the kind of Planning, Organization , Managing, Precision and many such jargons that they possess. Interestingly they are the ones who are in a place, with a risk higher than the rest unsorted set. It’s either that they can deal with high risk, that God added it to their portfolio or …or …or. Actually can’t think of any other possibility. For now that looks like the hard, soft or whatever adjective you wish to put. The truth. The cold truth as it stands.

Truthfully yours

In Between flicking the channels

It’s been quiet some time that I had decided not to watch those heavy emotional, change oriented and super hopeful movies. The inspirational kind basically. I had been lately feeling that these movies impart no wisdom except delusions and illusions to people who want to believe them. But as they say, we end up doing things we never never want to.
Here begins my story…Yesterday (not giving any date because it could be any and doesn’t really matters as don’t want to get caught in frivolous details) so where was I, Yesterday between flipping channels watching Friends’ reruns and a match and a music channel, I stumbled on HBO to catch the 9pm schedule. And there it was, the movie “Freedom Writers” (starring Hilary Swank and Patrick Dempsey). I don’t know what caught my attention - Was it the challenge of a young female teacher with a demanding personal life to teach a bunch of hooligans on one hand and fight a system standing rock solid on the other. Or was it the transition that awaited each kid. Or was it that rebel in each student streamlined for a bigger cause. Or a pie of hope or my secret and now not so secret passion to teach or.. and there could be many such Ors I can write. No none of these could have retained my interest for long had it not been the simplicity with which there was an “I don’t know” in the background and such shakey confidence and enthusiasm on the face despite critical and life threatening situations. I completely loved the contradiction. The oxymoron. And reminded me of so many things including life. The beauty lied in change, courage to change and the will to make the change happen. It made me again revisit the “I don’t know” concept. Something I more or less believe in life. Yes, “I don’t know” if things always change for good or not but at least its better than resisting them or cribbing or just giving up. Basically sometimes, I guess it’s not such a bad idea to catch on movies like these. They catch more that just the eye.

Watchfully yours’

About to fly?

Have never lived out of a suitcase
Dread the call for it
If it comes, what will I do?
When it comes, will I be true
To the many words that I throw
Of courage and wisdom and flexibility
Or will they be like those empty promises
Met daily on every crossroad you reach

Have never flown like an icarus
The fool who had a great fall
I have been the bird in waiting
And is that why I am so patient?
conveniently pushing the tradeoff
Between being a birdbrain
Or unnecessarily sagacious

The grass is always greener the other side
And then I look at my many wounds
Deep cuts but hidden, veiled
Cryptic and abstruse to
An unseasoned sophomoric novice
Time will tell if the suitcase beckons
Allures and entice the sins and songs
If the innocence stays or goes
Or Can I fly and remain on my toes

Questioningly Yours

Walk on

The gait says it all. When I am walking just walking, it can speak volumes about my state of mind. Those few walks when every step is like walking in a slushy marsh, capture so much going on in the mind. So much confusion, confounded beyond imagination.. And then I also remember those confident strodes that I must have taken in various passages full of strangers and wanderers who you see but don't want to look. Yes, it is craft to see but not look. Extremely helpful to people like us. Establishes the relation of cold immunity against forces you don't want to fight. And the gait just seals the same. These are also times, when people measure you as an outsider. And I would be lying if I say that it doesn't matter. It does. Yet, it is not the be all and end all. It is my projection and not my reflection. That’s the difference. Projections are a small part, very virtual and superficial. Good for the time being situations or people. Reflections on the other hand are me ,me and more of me. The me that I know, I want to know and the one I still haven't met. In my reflections, I walk without that snail slow character or those sharp shark antics. I just walk like a traveller.The one who has travelled far and beyond, seen much, realises many things that have still not been felt by many, worries a bit on the availability of stocks and at same time is aware that there is more to the puzzle than meets the eye.
But have many people seen my like that. Naah.
Mostly me and infact for last few months not even me.
Do I want people to see the real me? Maybe not. Maybe not required and as they say obvious is boring.
Read a poem somewhere - My fav actually
"If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch and toss,
And lose,
And start again at your beginnings"
One mile covered and God knows how many to go. Where, with whom, when etc etc etc and hundred questions.
So like a traveller I charge myself with what was lost, pay for some deeds and walk again changing my steps, style and gait every moment like a chameleon.
Walk on - It is better than move on (so damn negative:))

Walkingly yours

For people who beleive in FOREVER

They have told me they are there for me
always like FOREVER and eternity
When I will be deep down under
Or over the worst mountain road
with no mood to walk a step
and no resolve left
In those times and if those times,
Come, they will be there FOREVER

How I love the word "FOREVER"
Promises not just ten but hundreds
Dwelling on every dream you crave for
Earning by every beat that goes up
by simply hearing the word FOREVER
The word is simply the best sales pitch
I have come across till this very date
And yet, I detest it so very much
Is almost a ride against reality

So As I was talking about the many
oops few should I say
Who claim to be there with me
and for me FOREVER
In times as mentioned above,
Should I say that THE TIME has arrived
and you are a trifle late
and nowhere in sight

Don't think this to be a complaint or something
No No I completely understand
You are a bit caught up
in the daily chores very challanging
And please don't worry the least
I am there for myself
Coz I have nowhere to go
other than being friends with me
As I now see you no more

Don't also worry as that is what you may
Of the tiny little time you have
"I will be fine" as I keep saying to myself
like over and over again
Not because of you or my will
but I have great hopes from "Forever"
No time or test or friendship is forever
As "Forever" is hardly ever.

Sarcastically Your's

Some Things Unexplained......

"Oh I was just thinking about it and it happened" is a sentence that I have had the privilege of saying more than once in my life. I am using the word privilege because it seems like an unknown POWER. Its as if we already knew that this thing was certain and yet, didn't listen. There are many instances that come to my mind where unexpected things happened.. literally unexpected ...you know not even least expected but completely unexpected and there was no explanation. I have asked to myself tons of times if we carry knowledge that is so sacred and pure that only when we feel a strong and unadulterated emotion or a want so deep that only the soul can read it, do we sense the Power.

I have no answers. I feel the day we know it, we would have solved the mystery of life and then there would be no meaning to life . In that case, maybe this power is making life interesting by keeping us ignorant.

I have pondered a lot as to Why would few people have the power of Dejavu or sixth sense as you would like to say. I remember an incident back in time when I was at my Masi's place in Jaipur desperately wanting to go back home to Delhi. Unfortunately my Nanaji was unwell so none of the adults could come all the way to bring me home. I was literally praying to be back and missed my Mom like anything. Somewhere around wee hours of morning, one day, I dreamt that my cousin Didi and sister are going to come to Jaipur that very night by 10.30pm train. I told my Masi about the dream but she said that is not possible. Strangely around 5.30pm, I received a call from Delhi stating that both my sister and Didi were coming. And top it all by the 10.30pm train that very night.

I still have not been able to figure that incident and the reason. Just yesterday, I was walking with my sister and wished if I could bump into my friend and get a lift too. Well believe it or not, I met her and she gave me a lift too. There have been times when things have gone wrong, I feel that somewhere I always knew they would. Maybe never wanted to believe the knowledge or felt things should not go wrong, but yes knew it. Knew it well, but didn't want to listen to the wisdom. Primarily because it is so unexplained and illogical at least on the face of it. Maybe as we grow, we become more wise, or not. Who Knows. Or maybe age has nothing to do with it. It is more a function of introspection and purity.

Like having less chaos , more clarity and basically knowing your self better every day than judging others with vengeance and prejudice.
Let me see if I gain qualities that will make me smile a bit more and scoff much less.

Wonderingly Yours